I often tell a story about a grandmother who once told me, "I don't need Life-Coaching as I've finally learned to say NO. Especially to my family!"
I laughed at this comment, appreciating the inherent wisdom in it.
The ability to say no, with suitable assertiveness, compassion and respect is a skill.
Often this means saying No to things not in your value system, your purpose, your vision or to something that impedes progress on the way to your greater good. This kind of self-compromise takes away from your happiness, your fulfilment and satisfaction. A bigger challenge (as the grandmother so rightly observed) is saying NO to something within your value system such as a family request.
So - How do you handle these?
Being able to say no means you're aware of your inherent value, able to set your boundaries AND let other people keep theirs. It also means you're not dependent on their good opinion because somehow this will make you feel better about yourself. Further, it means you've detached from the responsibility of how they feel about themselves, as a result of your reaction.
Saying NO doesn't mean an aggressive approach to everything either. Some people retreat into isolation (always saying no to everything) as this prevents them from ever having to effectively assert themselves at all.
But, the good news is that sometimes a mere choice of suitable wording makes a remarkable difference in how any interaction occurs.
Eg.
"Unfortunately I currently have too many commitments on my time at the moment."
"Wednesdays are my days for the family. Perhaps another day?"
"I don't feel the need for that in my life right now. But thank you for thinking of me."
Notice how all the wording is focused on YOU. All you're doing is protecting your boundaries and allowing yourself to fully take up the space in your life that you deserve. These statements all reflect how you feel and what you want.
A continued inability to say no or assert yourself very often results from a fear:
- A fear of disappointing others
- A fear of not being liked
- A fear of seeming incapable
- The list goes on….
Ask yourself what you believe the person will think of you when you say NO – therein is a clue to your fear.
Nathaniel Branden defines assertiveness as "being authentic in our dealings with others; treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts".
If you're reading this and thinking to yourself "I say no because I don't want to hurt their feelings" that suggests a distrust of yourself and of your relationships.
But through effective communication you'll be able to stand your ground and meet your own needs whilst saying NO to your nearest and dearest.
If you were to avoid hurting everyone's feelings, you'd never actually do or say anything. You'd continually walk on eggshells. So, how about letting others' handle their own sensitivities? If you communicate with both love and compassion both parties are given the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves.
As Maxwell Maltz says, "We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much by other people or what they say and don't say, but by our own attitude and our own response."
I often use the example of empty and full vessels in coaching sessions. Each of you is inherently a full vessel, but through actions, beliefs and thoughts that don't honour you, you tend to empty your vessel (albeit it often subconsciously). Continually giving to others, thinking for others and trying to protect others from their own feelings are ways you may empty your vessel.
Even the Kings James bible says the following… "We have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."
So choose instead, to continually fill your own vessel with love and compassion and watch the same overflow to others. The ironic result is that you'll naturally be giving without that ever-difficult feeling of "trying" to do so, all well within your own boundaries.
And what other kind of giving can be more authentic?
